Divorce is often described as one of the most stressful events of any person’s life, right up there with the death of a loved one.  And it is the “death” of a relationship which was initially intended to last a lifetime.   Even for the spouse who has decided the relationship should be over, divorce can be extremely stressful.   So, how can the stress and emotional damage be decreased?

 1.  Acceptance

As soon as you know the relationship is over, whether you wanted it to be or not, you need to begin to accept that fact.   The longer you fail to accept the end of the relationship, the more emotional upheaval you will experience, and the longer you will be in grief.  Denial is the first phase of the grieving process, so acceptance is the only way to move to the next.  Now, this is easier said than done, so you may need to use tip Number Two to get there.

It’s possible to divorce in a way that supports the well-being of everyone. You can end the conflict, heal the hurt and part as friends. You just need to learn how.

Unfortunately, most divorces are handled in a very different way. Sides are drawn and issues become something to fight over rather than something to resolve. Walls of protection get fortified and distance grows. Then we bring in adversarial attorneys and escalate the conflict dramatically. We hurt each other over and over, feeling fully justified for everything we do. Serious damage is created in the process of divorce, and none of it is necessary.

Since Collaborative Law came to Texas in 2000, more and more people have heard about it and have used the process to resolve family law matters.  As more lawyers, mental health professions and financial professionals have become involved in Collaborative Law, they are telling more and more potential clients about the new option that is available.  People are also hearing about it from friends and discovering it on the Internet and occasionally in the news media.  Because Collaborative Law is such a new approach, many potential participants naturally have a lot of questions about it.  This blog will answer many of those questions over time. 

We will begin with a fundamental question most people ask: “Am I a good candidate for Collaborative Law?”

If you visit the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas’ website, you might notice that when looking up our members, mental health professionals are listed as well as lawyers. That portion of our member roster highlights something important about the collaborative law process: It’s a process that has each participant’s long-term well-being in concern.

In divorce cases involving children, the parties involved typically don’t stop interacting once the divorce is finalized, and the divorce doesn’t necessarily resolve the great number of emotions that can result from two people coming to the realization that they can no longer be a married couple.

When you enter into a Collaborative Law negotiation, you have a lawyer advocating on your behalf, and there’s another lawyer advocating on the other party’s behalf. Meetings involve you, the other party, and the respective lawyers, and the goal is to settle any outstanding issues outside of a courtroom setting.

In the Collaborative Law process, the lawyers involved cannot go to court and litigate against each other or the parties. This accomplishes several things crucial to developing a solution:

As the “longest year ever” starts to draw to a close, we turn to thoughts of the holidays.  The Halloween inflatables have come down, the candy has been eaten (except for that secret stash in the pantry!), and plans are being made for Thanksgiving and beyond.  But how to plan and how to celebrate in this year of COVID-19?  Extended families are separated by masks and geography.  Many of us have experienced unspeakable loss since March, and all of us have dealt with fear, uncertainty, and an unsettling new normal.  Some families have been challenged to the breaking point.  This has resulted in an increased number of new divorce filings, with many additional families teetering on that possibility.

Do you wish your family was in a better place?  Do you fear that these holidays could be the breaking point?  Is this your first holiday season in two homes?  Honestly, are you struggling with even thinking about the holidays this year?

It’s no secret that a divorce can be tough. There are emotional, financial and legal issues to consider. Before you decide to move forward with your divorce, it’s important to go through a pre-divorce financial checklist. Doing this will make it easier when the time comes to separate your assets and know what you need.

So, what do you really need to do to start on your financial checklist?

Is it time for us to divorce or do we both have one more genuine attempt left in our emotional and / or financial bank? This and so many other questions are best answered when we have a clear head and are able to make sound decisions. So, how is that possible when we’re contemplating divorce while our world is caving in on us?

Collaborative divorce professionals focus on your hope for your family’s future. The intent is to develop a mutually beneficial outcome that is driven by interests or goals as opposed to problems or people. Seek the wise, experienced counsel of one of these professionals to learn your options.

It’s time! Now what and how?  I didn’t anticipate what you might call brain fog around the division of my marital estate. I’d worked in personal finance since 1998 and knew my financial world as well as possible. The peace-of-mind I received from having guidance from a clear-headed, unemotional, mentally available, experienced team is the best gift I’ve probably ever given myself.

Divorce is likely an event with which you do not have much or any hands-on experience. This process is one that has options that differ in each state. Counties and courts will even have their individual requirements. Working with a respectful team doesn’t take all of the emotion out of your divorce. It can, however arm you with education, knowledge, and forward looking counsel to help ease the fear, hurt, anger, regret, guilt or whatever emotions with which you will personally struggle.

This fictional profile gives insight to the role that a Financial Advisor plays as a neutral in the Collaborative Divorce process.

The Collaborative Divorce process is an alternative process to a traditional courtroom divorce.  The process involves the divorcing parties, their legal representatives, a Mental Health Professional and a Financial Professional.  The Mental Health and Financial Professionals are neutrals in the process – neither specifically associated with either of the divorcing parties.

April is “Autism Acceptance Month.” Prior to 2021, this acknowledgement was called “Autism Awareness Month,” but as we have begun to learn more about autism and what it means to be “on the spectrum” of autism, we have learned that being on that spectrum is like a rainbow–there are many variations of abilities and inabilities, challenges and yet special gifts that people on the spectrum bring to our world and the families in which they live.

One Texas Rehabilitation counselor says it best, “When you have met one autistic person, you have met ONE autistic person.” It is called a spectrum because everyone classified in that group is very different. Now, with society’s greater understanding and inclusivity, honoring different gifts rather than ostracizing people with differences, people on the spectrum are finishing college and advanced degrees and following career paths that historically would not have been available to them. One needs only to look at the life of Temple Grandin, Ph.D., and the Emmy, Screen Actors Guild and Golden Globe winning movie about her life and book, “Thinking in Pictures,” to learn that the possibilities are endless for people on the spectrum.

Child Custody Disputes – The Saddest Battle

The Three Most Important Decisions Before You File For Divorce

When it comes time to begin building out your parenting plan, the possible combinations of choices are literally endless. Here are just some of the topics that you’ll need to discuss and agree upon: 

• Parenting time ratios – 50/50? 60/40?
• Parenting time logistics – which days are at whose home?
• How do we choose childcare providers in the future?
• How do we handle holidays? Which holidays do we care about?
• Who will be in charge of passports?
• Which parent will handle primary care appointments?
• Who is responsible for sick days or days off school?

The list of decisions goes on seemingly forever. 

As a therapist who has spent the last 12+ years specializing in child therapy and parenting work, I can tell you that I’ve seen all sorts of arrangements and parenting decisions. Most parents I’ve worked with made reasonable decisions about parenting, but ALL parents I’ve worked with have loved their kids deeply.

Children need to see their parents being supportive of each other, especially during a divorce. They need to see their parents having a united front – that they are still able to communicate with each other and make decisions for them that are in their best interest. Ultimately, children need to see that they are still both their parents even though they are getting a divorce.

The Children’s Bill of Rights was created many years ago. It is a Bill of Rights that helps parents remember that they are modeling behaviors for their children in ways that are in the best interest of their children. These are behaviors that their children will pick up on. Children as young as three and four are incredibly perceptive. They hear, they know, and they’re also highly influential. So, the question should always be in the back of your mind. What do I want for my children?