Collaborative Divorce Texas

  • Donate
  • For Professionals
    • Membership Advantages
    • Events/Training
    • Become a Member
    • For Students
    • Volunteer at CDT
    • Advertise With Us
  • Contact Us
  • Login
  • Home
  • Find a Collaborative Professional
  • What is a Collaborative Divorce?
    • What is Collaborative Divorce?
    • Frequently Asked Questions
    • About CDTexas
    • Master and Credentialed Collaborative Divorce Professionals
    • The Gay G. Cox Award for Excellence in Collaborative Law
  • Blog
  • For Collaborative Professionals
    • Membership Benefits
    • Events/Training
    • Become a Member
    • For Students
    • Advertise With Us
    • Volunteer at CDT
    • Login
  • Donate
  • Contact Us
  • What is Collaborative Divorce?
    • What is Collaborative Divorce?
    • Why Use a CDTexas Member?
    • About Us
    • Master and Credentialed Collaborative Divorce Professionals
    • The Gay G. Cox Award for Excellence in Collaborative Law
  • Testimonials
  • FAQs
  • Blog
  • Find A Professional
    • How Do I Choose a Collaborative Professional?
    • Attorneys
    • Financial Professionals
    • Mental Health Professionals
    • See All
You are here: Home / Blog / Jealous of Your Ex Spouse?

Jealous of Your Ex Spouse?

February 7, 2018 By Harry Munsinger, J.D., Ph.D. Leave a Comment

jealousJealousy is most often caused by low self-esteem, insecurity, and fear of abandonment.  The fact that jealousy is caused by personal fears explains why divorced people so often feel jealous of their ex-spouse, even though the jealousy makes no logical sense.  After all, divorced couples have no emotional connections with each other, so why feel jealous?  In spite of being an irrational feeling, feeling jealous of an ex-spouse happens all the time, especially when he or she begins dating, gets engaged, introduces his or her new love to the children, or gets married and starts a new family.

Causes of Jealousy

Feeling jealous is associated with high levels of oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone.”  Men most often feel jealous when their ex-spouse begins having sex with another man, while women feel jealous when their ex-spouse becomes emotionally involved with another woman.  Individuals who are insecure, anxious, or fear abandonment experience more jealousy than people who are personally secure.

Jealousy and Control

Jealousy is difficult to handle between divorced people because it makes little sense.  After all, what is there to be jealous about?  The divorced spouses are no longer married, and they have no emotional relationship that can be threatened, so why should the fact that an ex-spouse has started dating or become engaged make any difference?  The reason an ex-spouse feel jealous is related to a need to control others to make ourselves feel safe.  Jealous divorced persons are trying to manage their own fears by exerting control over an ex-spouse.  Jealousy isn’t about love, it’s about the jealous person’s own anxieties and insecurities.

Maintaining Boundaries

When an ex-spouse discovers you are dating or getting married, he or she is likely to bombard you with communications to push your buttons and make life difficult.  This behavior is unreasonable because any rights he or she had over your life went away when you divorced.  Your ex-spouse is no longer your partner, lover, or friend, and he or she has no right to interfere with your life.  If your ex-spouse is being disruptive, avoid him or her.  Establish clear boundaries after the divorce to keep your new life separate from your ex-spouse.  Get a protective order if necessary and ignore his or her attempts at controlling you.

Interfering with Relationships

If your ex-spouse tries to interfere with your new relationship by saying “I don’t like him/her,” or “I don’t want my children around him/her,” ignore the complaint and go on about your business.  Jealousy is your ex spouse’s problem.  Don’t pay any attention to what your ex-spouse says.  He or she has no right to interfere with your life.  Don’t engage or argue with your ex-spouse about your new relationship, because that will encourage him or her to continue trying to control you.  As a single adult, you are the only one in a position to determine who you date or marry.

Dealing with Jealousy

The best way to avoid jealousy between divorcing spouses is to opt for a collaborative divorce rather than litigation.  Couples who choose a collaborative divorce feel less anger, learn to communicate with each other, make better co-parents after the divorce, and are less emotionally damaged by the divorce process.  But, if your ex-spouse becomes jealous, what can you do?  First, realize that his or her jealousy is caused by personal insecurities, not your behavior.

The best strategy is to disengage, set clear boundaries, and get on with your new life.  Let your ex-spouse deal with his or her feelings of jealousy on their own.  What should you do if you are feeling jealous of your ex-spouse?  Avoid situations that are likely to arouse your feelings of jealousy, such as monitoring what your ex-spouse is doing or talking about him or her with your children.  Avoid interacting with him or her as much as possible so you can focus on developing a new life for yourself.

Feeling jealous of an ex-spouse is difficult to control because it’s caused by irrational anxieties and fear of loss.  If you are in a serious relationship with another person, there may be legitimate reasons to feel jealous.  However, if you are divorced, even if it wasn’t your idea, that relationship is over, and you need to get on with your own life.  Focusing on a lost relationship is neither healthy nor productive.  If you are feeling jealous of your ex-spouse, it’s probably because you are feeling insecure, dependent, or fear being abandoned again.  Your best strategy is to see a counselor.  Once you feel better about yourself, the jealousy will disappear.

About Harry Munsinger, J.D., Ph.D.

Harry Munsinger practices collaborative and estate law in San Antonio. He has over twenty years experience resolving disputes involving divorce, probate, wills, and trusts. Harry was an adjunct law professor at the University of Texas and St. Mary’s University. He has published several textbooks and over forty psychological and legal articles. Harry has been a forensic psychology expert, a licensed psychologist and a litigator.

Filed Under: •••, Blog, Harry Munsinger, Our-Featured-Authors Tagged With: Coping with Stress and Emotions in Divorce, Divorce

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published.

Find a Professional

Getting started with the Collaborative Process?

First your need to connect with a trained Collaborative Professional.

[Find Out More....]

Articles by Category

Featured Video

  • Collaborative Divorce Testimonial
  • Child of Divorce

Why Collaborative?

  • Jennifer Leister
  • Steve Walker
  • Carla Calabrese
  • Dawn Budner
  • Becky Davenport
  • Jody Johnson
  • Honey Schef
  • James Urmin
  • Kurt Chacon
  • Natalie Gregg
  • Robert Matlock
  • Deborah Lyons
  • Carlos Salinas
  • Camille Scroggins
  • Linda Solomon
  • Richard Soat
  • Lisa Rothfus
  • Jeffrey Shore
  • Barbara Cole
  • David Brunson
  • Jennifer Tull
  • Syd Sh
  • Susan Z. Wright
  • Christi Trusler
  • Camille Milnser
  • Linda Threats
  • Sarah Keathley
  • MaryAnn Kildebeck
  • David Bouschor
  • LIsa Marquis
  • Harry Munsinger
  • Vicki James
  • Robin Watts
  • Katie Berry
  • Jack Emmott
  • Jennifer Broussard
  • Patricia Havard
  • Paula Locke Smyth
  • Laura Schlenker
  • Norma Trusch
  • Brett Christiansen
  • Tim Whitten
  • Mickey Gayler
  • Melinsa Eitzen
  • Julian Schwartz
  • MaryAnn Knolle
  • Chad Olsen
  • Chris Farish
  • Charles Quaid
  • Anne Shuttee
  • Barbara Runge
  • Rhonda Cleaves -
  • Jamie Patterson
  • Catherine Baron
  • Kristen Algert
  • Sandra Roland
  • Rhonda Cleaves 2
  • Gratia Schoemakers

Have you read?

How Does Collaborative Divorce Deal with Separate Property?

The short answer is: However you and your spouse can agree to handle it. There is a much longer answer, but before you get it, you need to make sure that you understand what separate property … [Read More...]

More Articles from this Category

The Collaborative Law Institute of Texas

d/b/a
Collaborative Divorce Texas

Proud Members of IACP

12400 Coit Road
Suite 1270
Dallas, TX 75251
(972) 386-0158

Please note: Our office will be closed on

Holiday closures:
Limited: Nov. 23rd & 24th
Closed: Nov. 25th , 26th and 27th

December 24, 2020 - January 1, 2021


Website Terms of Usage

Contact Our Webmaster

 

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter
  • Vimeo
  • YouTube

Search Our Website

Find A Professional

  • Find a Collaborative Professional
  • Attorneys
  • Financial Professionals
  • Mental Health Professionals
  • See All
EnglishFrançaisDeutschItalianoPortuguêsEspañol

Copyright © 2021 · Collaborative Divorce Texas · All Rights Reserved

· · ·

Web Design and Maintenance by The Crouch Group