Collaborative Divorce Texas

  • Donate
  • For Professionals
    • Membership Advantages
    • Events/Training
    • Become a Member
    • For Students
    • Volunteer at CDT
    • Advertise With Us
  • Contact Us
  • Login
  • Home
  • Find a Collaborative Professional
  • What is a Collaborative Divorce?
    • What is Collaborative Divorce?
    • Frequently Asked Questions
    • About CDTexas
    • Master and Credentialed Collaborative Divorce Professionals
    • The Gay G. Cox Award for Excellence in Collaborative Law
  • Blog
  • For Collaborative Professionals
    • Membership Benefits
    • Events/Training
    • Become a Member
    • For Students
    • Advertise With Us
    • Volunteer at CDT
    • Login
  • Donate
  • Contact Us
  • What is Collaborative Divorce?
    • What is Collaborative Divorce?
    • Why Use a CDTexas Member?
    • About Us
    • Master and Credentialed Collaborative Divorce Professionals
    • The Gay G. Cox Award for Excellence in Collaborative Law
  • Testimonials
  • FAQs
  • Blog
  • Find A Professional
    • How Do I Choose a Collaborative Professional?
    • Attorneys
    • Financial Professionals
    • Mental Health Professionals
    • See All

Donate

You are here: Home / Blog / Divorce and Emotion / How to Take Conflict Out of Divorce

How to Take Conflict Out of Divorce

November 23, 2009 By CDTx Staff - tcgi Leave a Comment

It’s possible to divorce in a way that supports the well-being of everyone. You can end the conflict, heal the hurt and part as friends. You just need to learn how.

Unfortunately, most divorces are handled in a very different way. Sides are drawn and issues become something to fight over rather than something to resolve. Walls of protection get fortified and distance grows. Then we bring in adversarial attorneys and escalate the conflict dramatically. We hurt each other over and over, feeling fully justified for everything we do. Serious damage is created in the process of divorce, and none of it is necessary.

To have a divorce be supportive rather than destructive, you need to defuse the conflict. To learn how to do this, it’s important to look at what creates and destroys love in relationships. We think that love is enough to have a relationship work, but it’s not. Divorce courts are full of people who love each other. To have a relationship work, people need to do the following:

Accept the person: You fuel the conflict by being judgmental and critical. To end the conflict, accept the other person just the way he or she is. This may seem difficult, but it becomes much easier when you notice that the other person is the way he or she is, whether you like it or not. Accepting is nothing more than telling the truth. When you are at peace with the truth, you stop being upset. You can then put water on the fire instead of more fuel.

Be willing to feel your hurt: All of our upsets and destructive behavior are fueled by the automatic avoidance of hurt. The more you heal your hurt, the more your upsets and destructive behavior disappear. The key to healing your hurt is to feel it willingly like a child. This allows the hurt to come and go. When you fight the hurt, you give it power. The hurt then turns into pain and stays. Feel the hurt of your circumstances and the deeper hurt of feeling worthless, not good enough and not worth loving. Dive into the hurt and cry as hard as you can. Let the hurt come and let it go.

See your role in the conflict: As long as you blame the other person, you give that person all your power. You make yourself a victim. To get your power back, find your role in the problem. If there is a cycle of conflict, there are two people participating. Once you see your role in the cycle, you can do something about it.

Notice how critical you have been and how much you have hurt the other person. Notice how the other person has put up his or her walls of protection and given it back to you. Work with this until you can see your full, 100% responsibility for the cycle of conflict.

Don’t hang on. Let the person go: There is nothing you can do to make someone stay with you. In fact, everything you do to make a person stay, pushes the person further away. To be most effective in handling your situation, let the person go. Then put your focus on healing your relationship and restoring the love, one human being to another. This is the key to saving your marriage.

To let go, be willing to feel your hurt. It’s the avoidance of this hurt that forces you to hang on. Once you are willing to feel this hurt, the need to hang on loses power.

Let go of resentment. Forgive: Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the other person. It’s for you. When you resent, you close down inside. You become bitter and lose your aliveness. Resentment is a subconscious tool we use to avoid feeling our hurt. Once you are willing to feel your hurt, the need for resentment disappears.

To forgive, go to the hurt that’s under your resentment and feel it willingly like a child. Then notice that the other person is doing the best he or she can with his or her very limited ability. Forgive the person for not being wiser and more aware.

Be willing for anything to happen: When you fight what happens, you become full of fear and upset. You get tunnel vision and lose your ability to see clearly. All you can do is fight, resist, hang on or withdraw. Whatever you do tends to make your situation worse.

When you flow with what happens, you have peace of mind. You see your situation clearly and you can see what needs to be done. You are creative and can discover solutions you could never have seen before.

To be able to flow, be willing to feel your hurt and trust that you will be okay no matter what happens.

Don’t Argue — Listen: Any time there are two people arguing, there are two people who are trying to push their point of view on the other, and no one is listening. To end an argument, stop and listen. Let the other person express whatever he or she has to say. This ends the argument and makes the other person more open to hear what you have to say. After both of you have said everything, you can put your focus on finding solutions.

Find solutions that work for both of you: In any divorce, you can expect differences of opinion. The key to resolving these differences is to keep your focus on finding solutions that work for everyone. Normally, we resolve issues by drawing sides against the other person. Then we then fight to have our side prevail. Unfortunately, this puts the other person on the defensive and forces him or her to fight against us.

When you are committed to finding solutions that work for both of you, you dissolve the other person’s resistance against you. It’s hard to fight someone who’s on your side.

Try the Collaborative Law approach: If you can’t find solutions on your own, use the Collaborative Law approach. This is a great way to resolve disputes. In this process, all the parties and their attorneys work together to find solutions that work for everyone. The process is non-adversarial and very effective. Disputes get resolved with a minimum about of conflict and suffering.

Take every opportunity to heal your relationship: Every time you interact with the other person, you will either put water on the fire or more fuel. Make sure you always add water. Do everything you can to empower the person. Make sure the other person feels accepted and appreciated. Be a friend and be interested in that person’s well being.

Contributor: Bill Ferguson is the founder of Divorce As Friends, a court-approved program for divorcing parents. He has been featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show and is the author of the best selling book, How To Heal A Painful Relationship. He leads workshops and does individual consulting in the Houston area. To learn more about Bill and his work, call (713) 520-5370 or visit www.divorceasfriends.com.

About CDTx Staff - tcgi

Filed Under: Blog, Divorce and Emotion, Mental Health Professional Perspective on Collaborative Law Tagged With: Divorce and Conflict Resolution, Psychological Issues

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Find a Professional

Getting started with the Collaborative Process?

First your need to connect with a trained Collaborative Professional.

[Find Out More....]

Articles by Category

Featured Video

  • Collaborative Divorce Testimonial
  • Child of Divorce

Why Collaborative?

  • Jennifer Leister
  • Steve Walker
  • Carla Calabrese
  • Dawn Budner
  • Becky Davenport
  • Jody Johnson
  • Honey Schef
  • James Urmin
  • Kurt Chacon
  • Natalie Gregg
  • Robert Matlock
  • Deborah Lyons
  • Carlos Salinas
  • Camille Scroggins
  • Linda Solomon
  • Richard Soat
  • Lisa Rothfus
  • Jeffrey Shore
  • Barbara Cole
  • David Brunson
  • Jennifer Tull
  • Syd Sh
  • Susan Z. Wright
  • Christi Trusler
  • Camille Milnser
  • Linda Threats
  • Sarah Keathley
  • MaryAnn Kildebeck
  • David Bouschor
  • LIsa Marquis
  • Harry Munsinger
  • Vicki James
  • Robin Watts
  • Katie Berry
  • Jack Emmott
  • Jennifer Broussard
  • Patricia Havard
  • Paula Locke Smyth
  • Laura Schlenker
  • Norma Trusch
  • Brett Christiansen
  • Tim Whitten
  • Mickey Gayler
  • Melinsa Eitzen
  • Julian Schwartz
  • MaryAnn Knolle
  • Chad Olsen
  • Chris Farish
  • Charles Quaid
  • Anne Shuttee
  • Barbara Runge
  • Rhonda Cleaves -
  • Jamie Patterson
  • Catherine Baron
  • Kristen Algert
  • Sandra Roland
  • Rhonda Cleaves 2
  • Gratia Schoemakers

Have you read?

Tips for Kids Going Back to School after a Divorce

Going back to school after a divorce is challenging for children because they face new uncertainties at home and school.  Talk with your children about their feelings and help them manage their … [Read More...]

More Articles from this Category

The Collaborative Law Institute of Texas

d/b/a
Collaborative Divorce Texas

Proud Members of IACP

1400 Preston Road
Suite 400
Plano, TX 75093
(972) 386-0158

Please note: Our office will be closed on

Holiday closures:
Limited: Nov. 23rd & 24th
Closed: Nov. 25th , 26th and 27th

Christmas:
Closed from December 24-December 30, 2022.
Offices open on January 2nd, 2023.


Website Terms of Usage

Contact Our Webmaster

 

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter
  • Vimeo
  • YouTube

Search Our Website

Find A Professional

  • Find a Collaborative Professional
  • Attorneys
  • Financial Professionals
  • Mental Health Professionals
  • See All
EnglishFrançaisDeutschItalianoPortuguêsEspañol

Copyright © 2023 · Collaborative Divorce Texas · All Rights Reserved

· · ·

Web Design and Maintenance by The Crouch Group